An Apology

I was interested to see The United States' official reaction to the horribly flawed constitution that will be thrust into a referendum; the likely outcome of which will exhaust whatever optimism is left in Iraq. The message is that our government will remain confident in Iraq despite Iraq's lack of confidence in itself (and despite diminishing confidence stateside). This is especially good news for those who truly believe our presence in Iraq is dealing a serious blow to global terrorism. That is, after all, the current nom du jour for our presence.

I can't help but imagine some hypothetical scenarios. Supposing we were to invade, say, France. Would it be absurd to imagine stateside French-Americans plotting against our government? Might some French people form underground resistance groups with the purpose of destabilizing the occupation? What if the tables were turned. Imagine America were to be invaded by China. How many Americans would fight back? Wouldn't you?

On July seventh, we were reminded our presence in Iraq and Afghanistan has not done much to curtail the threat of global terror when orchestrated suicide bombings struck the heart of London. Fifty-two days ago, fifty-two people died. I want to tell them sorry. I was supposed to "bring the fight to them," but I didn't; I failed and I'm sorry. But it doesn't matter now. It's too late. It's too late for them, just as it's too late for the twenty-five thousand Iraqis who died because I did "bring the fight to them". I am so very sorry.

The Lighter Side Of...

Tonight marks the failure of Iraq's third attempt to draft a constitution. The failure should not be undermined by pessimism. Instead, we should focus on the forward progress and selfless compromise exhibited by all parties involved. We should look at the improvements that have come about in this country since we began our occupation. Too long, our media has been focusing on the negative. There are so many more things going on in Iraq other than people dying, and it's time that we stop focusing on the frivolous. So, let's talk about some of the good that's being done here.

The first example that springs to mind is "Salsa Night" at the local MWR (Morale, Welfare, and Recreation) center. The last time I was in Iraq, I would never have even allowed myself to fantasize about "Salsa Night". Now, it is not only a reality, but it is a weekly event attended by flocks of excited soldiers. Ask any of them, and they will surely tell you how much it has enhanced the quality of life in Iraq. For certain, not all Iraqis can join in on our "Salsa Night", but the new freedoms (that might be) guaranteed in their constitution may mean they can celebrate their own "Salsa Nights" (sans electricity).

It isn't all fun and games, though. Another- less whimsical- icon of progress is the massive quantity of money being spent on reconstruction projects. If we hadn't invaded (and subsequently, occupied) Iraq, these billions would not be spent on rebuilding infrastructure that we bombed. In some places, the progress is so remarkable that as much as eighty percent of services have been restored (when compared to the pre-war figures). In others, where sabotage is common, money is spent over and over again on the same repairs; effectively sinking money into a black hole. This, in turn, generates a substantial number of jobs that would not otherwise exist, stimulating the economy.

Of course, the democratic process is by far the best thing we have bestowed on the country. The Iraqis took to the philosophy surprisingly well, in fact. Immediately after the collapse of the former regime, people were expressing their opinions of the occupation forces and of the new Iraqi government(s). That most "demonstrators" disagree with both is not apropos. Neither is it important that they choose to "demonstrate" non-peacefully. The fact that they needed no provocation to begin exercising freedom shows how much respect they must have for the country's greater good.

Here are three excellent examples of how the country is truly on the roadmap of progress. Even when considering the constitution, we must keep in mind that the latest delay is on account of selfless politicians struggling to accommodate their fellow Iraqis. This, the third delay, can only convince the Iraqi people that the final document will be ever more perfect a representation of each one of them. They will, undoubtedly, be celebrating in the streets. In fact, I think I hear some celebratory mortar fire right now. I think I'll run out into the streets and celebrate with my Iraqi friends...

Bad Etiquette

The list of links to the right has recently been abridged. Before I did so, I had plans to expand it dramatically in order to accommodate sites I enjoy visiting, but which don't necessarily link to me. In the end, I did not want to develop an extensive list as witnessed on some sites for several reasons. One, it is aesthetically displeasing to me. Two, I find myself lost when on other sites with extensive lists; which do I choose? Where do I go? When faced with too many choices, I usually pick none & move on to another site. (Author's note: List no longer exists at all on this site).

My final reason is that I'd like to emphasize the remaining sites' importance. Of course, that of Holly's goes without saying. The recent addition of Ben's site, Doce Meses de Soledad ("Twelve Months of Solitude", see here), is important because he is not only one of my housemates back home, but he is also extremely clever. The Crichton is probably one of the most interesting people I have ever met. If you are a sociologist, he is one of those people who you would spend the rest of your life studying. You can read more about him here. I work with Zach, who is also a very good friend. His site is enormously popular because it is visited by some very interesting people, and because it has been featured in a number of news items.

I have met neither author of either of the two remaining sites. I found Abu Yusef's site helpful when I was in a deep depression. His lighthearted banter helped shed some light on the darkness I had condemned myself to. You need only read my Fourth of July post to understand where I was with that. And finally, Kate's wisdom and eloquence have been an inspiration from the first time she commented on something I had written in May. It's a relief to know that people as insightful as they can remain sane despite everything. I draw strength from theirs.

Everyone has one thing in common though: we are all blogging to vent the insanity. In an Ordinary World, not one of these sites would exist (not in the form they have taken, at least). In that sense, we are a lot more than a bunch of people whining and moaning about things we can't control; we're a community, supporting each other implicitly. So, I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I know it's bad internet etiquette not to link-back. I don't imagine I'm responsible for much traffic, anyway. Most days, I alone account for half of my own.

As a very inconsequential aside, I am unable to sleep because I woke up itching. I had been bitten by something that is sharing my sleeping bag. I spent the last hour trying to get back to sleep, but every time I get to the threshold of sleep, I imagine things crawling all over me, and I am thrust from my repose. I hate bugs. I wonder if the natural order of things would be so badly messed up if we could do away with the lot of them. Entomologists can cross-train to become etymologists for no other reason than to lay the confusion to rest. I still sometimes think pediatrists are foot doctors, by the way.

Cindy Crawford

I have been back a number of days from a successful vacation away from this dreadful place. I like to travel, and I like to be traveling, but the hell of Army transit saw me happy to eventually return to my erstwhile home. I was interested to learn of developments in my absence; both with my friends and coworkers here, and with the world in general. As relevant as the Iraqis' fledgling and flawed constitution was one woman's plight in Texas.

I have no doubt that I will find some very interesting and provocative articles around the internet, but for now I thought I'd drum out a few uninformed words of how much the whole situation in Crawford, Texas has iconified the utter repugnance I harbor for "Emotional Politics". However, I would like to first point out that I learned today (from the Fox News network) that if she weren't still missing, that girl Halloway would be starting college right now. I am glad that takes a greater priority in the public purview than the forging of a constitution whose essence may alter the course of United States foreign policy. Please take a moment of silence as you think about what frat parties Halloway would be getting drunk at right now if the three F-16s criss-crossing Aruba had turned her up safely.

Foremost after that having been said, I have the utmost sympathy for the survivors of fallen servicemembers. I do not believe, however, that you need to have lost a son or daughter in order to be passionately and intimately involved with the political process. Neither do I feel it appropriate that grief be used as leverage to gain notoriety- or even political leverage. My staunchest and most fundamental beliefs could not be more insulted if my death were interpreted by others as a martyrdom of their own... even if it were at the hands of my parents.

I am sure Mrs. Sheehan wouldn't be protesting if she knew her son was a supporter of our President, but that - in my opinion - does not give her license to martyr him. My insult was piqued when I saw that a man had set up his own camp - in support of The President and his policies - named for his son, another fallen servicemember. The message is disturbing: that you can't weigh-in on the subject unless you have a son or daughter who was killed in combat. What gives them the right to speak on their behalf? Can you imagine the insult if someone were to champion your death as a cause you never believed in, or didn't care about?

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I see it as symptomatic of a downward spiral of political sensitivity married with ignorance of reality. Everyone is so passionate about what they believe that- when that passion overflows from great success (like the election of a President they believe in) or a great loss (like the death of a son or daughter in a war they don't)- they are tempted by circumstance to use the emotion as ammunition against that with which they disagree. I imagine it is borne of the sensationalist drama that plays out every time someone turns on the news, but I think it can also be blamed on the saturation of media in today's society. With so many sources of entertainment, how could someone truly be expected to think that the news isn't just another one of them? It surprises me not in the least that people are emotionally detached from the war in Iraq and the situation in Afghanistan. Only those with a vested emotional interest understand the reality. I admit to apathy myself when in The United States; even to the point that I felt no connection to my friends and coworkers here when I read the news during my two week vacation.

So, I have put my two cents in, but just like every other idiot who gripes about other people on the internet from the safety of their anonymity (or at least the buffer a screen, keyboard, and several thousand miles of fiberoptic cable), I haven't offered a solution. I guess it's for far greater minds than mine to figure out how to salvage the sensationalist game of "Emotional Politics" that has enveloped American culture. I imagine religious leaders would have had an excellent time "rescuing" us from the dichotomy of our society if they hadn't ruined their impartiality by siding with the extreme right across the board in the last election. To a lesser extent, I guess the same could be true of the media on the left... but something tells me the elections in 2008 will produce more of a centrist- one for whom the onerous task of reuniting the country will be their most cumbersome.

Nearsighted

My vacation was excellent. It was very nice of the Army to let me come home for fifteen days during my twelve-to-eighteen month deployment. It was like putting a band aid on a broken bone, though; always at my back was the nagging realization that I was supposed to be home for good many months ago. Now that I'm on my way back to Iraq (for the third time), I am even more depressed and sad than ever. It was awful saying goodbye to Holly again, especially now that we're engaged.

Over vacation, I proposed to her (she said yes) and we had a great time. I had a terrific time picking out the stone (which is a 0.65 carat VVS1 princess cut, color G, cut to near-perfect precision). It was a perfect token for the perfect woman. In the beginning, I didn't understand the concept of an engagement ring. Why, I wondered, couldn't you have an engagement computer or an engagement home entertainment system? But as time went on, I did more and more research and became quite excited about it. I'm pretty sure I enjoy looking at it now as much as she does! Anyway, you can read all about it on her blog. She has some fantastic photos there, too.

So, it was a great time; no question. But now I am so depressed, I'm writing from the airport in Atlanta to vent some of my sadness and grief. I am going through all the same feelings and emotions I did when I left in January, but I have some new light to shed on my hatred for the Army and for my situation. I believe the passion of my hatred is a result of an inability to express my love for Holly because of our separation. I have been buying her lots of things, but I know they are scant in comparison to what I should be doing. My ineptitude is caused by my deployment and - unable to love - I express my passion through hate.

I know this now because of how easy it was to be with Holly and how quickly my negative feelings retreated in her presence. Of course, there were residual stresses from trauma, and two weeks was hardly a scratch on the surface in dealing with that. But I could feel the negative passions stir in me again yesterday as I watched her walk away after we said goodbye. So, where were these emotions before I met Holly? Maybe she has unearthed dormant and buried feelings in me from the past, or maybe they are freshly made of extraordinary circumstances. Whatever the case, they are powerful and managing their negativity is overwhelming.

So, my first writings after my vacation are - appropriately - a gripe. But I did have a completely amazing two weeks, and I wouldn't have exchanged them for anything (except perhaps an honorable discharge). I really miss Holly, and of course I know that eventually the time will come that we'll be together again. But the massive chasm between then and now seems too daunting to be crossed. I can't look forward and, if I look back, all I see is her walking away from me at the airport. In either direction, there is depression and sadness. I am trapped between my love for Holly and my hatred for the Army. I look forward to returning to the sanctity of my numbing routine soon.