The Obvious Hat

The Hat Man was very nice. He was obviously gay, but it didn't matter because it was Key West. I tried a couple hats on, and they were all sweaty. The tourist season that far south is in the winter months, leaving the summer to the locals (many of whom seem to be gay hat salesmen). I had wanted a panama hat since earlier that morning, but had been tricked into saloons and bars all day by the brutality of the heat. It wasn't until we were looking for a place to eat that I found the store with the sweaty hats.

The hats were nice hats, but I was perspiring so much that after I tried each on, they became sweaty. Thinking of all the droves of heat-maddened tourists who had preceded me in trying on hats, I was abhorred into retreat. Perhaps fearing the loss of a sale, while at the same time perceptively recognizing my disgust, The Hat Man found for me The Perfect Hat. It had been sitting on a mannequin behind him, with the elevated price to shunt off most casual buyers. By this time, I had tried on a number of hats and my forehead was drier than my humor. I immediately understood that the only way The Hat Man made money was by disgusting people into buying this hat.

I left. We went to eat lunch. Interestingly, the place we found was directly adjacent the shop and we chose to eat outside. Partially as a result of the hour and partially out of chivalry, I was forced into the seat whose plain view from the sun made it imperitive to order something very cold and very large at once. I knew there would be a problem when a waiter didn't appear right away. That's when I realized God had arranged all of those things so that I would buy The Hat. I left Holly with instructions to impress upon the waiter the urgency for immediate and massive amounts of sangria as I returned to the store.

My suspicions of divine intervention proved true as The Hat Man greeted me with unsurprised politeness. He had not returned The Hat to the mannequin, explaining that he knew I would be back. Further proof came in the form of the huge discount he hooked me up with after I told him I was in the service. I had even left behind my military ID in case Holly needed it to secure sangria. He took me for my word. Final proof came after he ran my credit card and recognized my last name from a friend of his who shared my father's name in it's entirety. He was so excited, he rang the man in question and told him I was going to swing by to say "hi" (that's another, less exciting story that did NOT result in the free dinner that I had hoped for).

I never thought about my decision to follow the obvious sign. I didn't even think I would write about it today, but I have been preoccupied with the past lately. I still think about the future, but I have no control over it. They won't tell us when we're going home, let alone when I will be out of the army. It isn't possible to plan a future when the present seems like it will last forever. I think that's why I've been thinking about the past. It's a little more concrete than the future, but just as impossible to change. If for nothing more than understanding that, there is no more priceless a treasure than The Obvious Hat.

Splinter

This is it, then.

My intention was to have created my own blog whose nature would ensure my anonymity, but I had to go about slapping my name and photo all over it. Talk about vanity. For those caught unawares, the posts that follow this one were originally published on the Team Crusader blog (the link to which is in the sidebar). Under the increasing weight of the boredom, I collapsed into registering my own domain name. If you weren't directed here by that address, it's http://www.goetzIT.com

Please direct your attention to the disclaimer at the bottom. It contains valuable information for visitors. Should you have questions regarding the content, please don't hesitate to contact me. You may find my address in the profile section. Thank you for stopping by. Your support has been just super so far, and I look forward to all of your comments to come.

(Author's note: Until this point, all posts were originally recorded on http://teamcrusader.blogspot.com and posted dates on this site do not reflect the correct publish date).

Threadbear

It wasn't so much the fact that it was a stuffed bear, as much as it was THIS stuffed bear that made me realize that something had to be done about it at once (Author's note: Link no longer valid)

I had originally decided that it was going to be a really "hooah" gift to someone who inspired in me the appropriate feelings of soldierlyness. Like if I saw someone spontaneously break into a serious bout of foxhole-digging, I'd go up to them and say, "hey, soldier. This is really an impressive network of foxholes that you have spontaneously broken out in digging. Here. This is a babby blue stuffed bear with American flags all over it to inspire your goings on."

The plan was sure to fail on some fairly firm grounds, though. For one, I refuse to put myself through the agony of having to tote the thing about. Questions would come up, and when they did, I would be forced to say something really patriotic, like "God save the President" just so they would know I'm not a spy trying to craftily conceal his identity by parading around excess nationalism in the form of a baby blue stuffed bear with American flags all over it.
Someone suggested an alternate course of action that was far more cruel, but I did not like the idea whatsoever. It involved flammables, and I'm fairly certain that first ammendment rights are not extended to servicemembers.

In the meantime, I have set the thing atop one of our computers at work with the hopes that microcameras are NOT concealed in it's eyeballs beaming information back to a command cell somewhere in Afghanistan, where a team of imagery analysts works tirelessly around the clock elaborating details of our operations through clever manipulation of tiny servo mechanisms mounted on the lenses, enabling them to move towards and- when neccessary, zoom in to- the orchestrations of our plans and schemes.

These fears have ignited in me a new urgency to deal with the bear. In the face of mounting pressure from the possibilities of constant surrveilance, Nick and I developed a cunning plan. Until the termination of Phase I, the bear is going to be Team Crusader's new spokesman. In Phase I, he will be photographed with as many people and in as many places as possible. When neccessary, he will be transfered to different locations for greater coverage. At an appropriate (and yet to be determined) time, Phase I will terminate. The bear will be stripped of it's title and lands, and forced into mandatory storage.

In Phase II of the operation, the bear is hawked. The current target is eBay. During this phase, an auction to raise as much money for Team Crusader is held. The bear is sold with proprietary (but not exclusive) rights to the photographs as testimony to the bear's escapades. In the most triumphant manifestation of the plan's ingenuity, the imagery analysts in Afghanistan will be forced to conclude that the entire northern Iraqi coalition campaign is conducted from someone's living room in Kansas.

Finally, in Phase III of the plan, Team Crusader escapes out of the belly of the bear, in which they have hid themselves for three weeks, living off the patriotic zeal one can't help but feel when living inside a baby blue stuffed bear with American flags all over it.

We hope very few bids tendered are from Tikrit.

"Hooah"

I was inspired by Nick's post to explain what I think "hooah" is. Nick said it's a verb. It's many things, but it isn't really a verb. Let's explore.

"Hooah" is used most commonly as an adjective or exclamation. In either situation, it connotes something positive or, in the case where it is used as a response, indicates the affirmative. In all uses, meanings are implied. Like in all other instances of implied meaning in The English Language, "hooah" is subject to misinterpretation and, to a greater degree, misuse. In fact, the repeated misuse of "hooah" has introduced new colloquial applications that, in turn, lead to further confusion. This confusion merely perpetuates the snowball of perennially accruing connotations. Let's see how.

In the first analysis, we will discover "hooah" in the predicate nominative. "Hooah" will often follow the subject to modify or rename it. "The soldier is hooah" is a simple example meaning, "The soldier is of the caliber that will fill sandbags at a rate that deserves some commendation, with the exception that such commendation require paperwork or other, similar inconvenience". Here, we clearly evidence the objective denotation of the word without exposing it to potential for implied meanings and thus, misinterpretation.

In this, the next portion of the discussion, "hooah" will be revealed as an interrogative pronoun. "Hooah" can play the part of any component in the interrogative case but, when used by itself, the implied meanings are abundant. Let us pose the question, then. "Hooah?". Without context, it can literally mean anything from, "do you hear me?" to, "I am insecure with my new surroundings in this desert interment camp and am unfamiliar with what you are doing with the barbed pitch-fork; may I please speak with an American consular representative?". We are now coming to realization that modern diction has been revolutionized by a single word but, in truth, we are barely scraping the tip of the iceberg.

Up until now, we have seen "hooah" as a predicate in the nominative and as an interrogative pronoun. These are two common uses, but neither are near as potent as the adjective, "hooah". When used in this manner, "hooah" modifies the subject in a positive vein. There are, however, some limitations as per what necessitates usage. For example, a delicious apple can never be "hooah". Nor would the modified subject ever be "an attractive woman". (ed, unless the woman is also a soldier- in which case, however, she would be an "hooah female". "Hooah" has, in this case, been used to indicate attractiveness without violating equal opportunity). Modern usage for adjective forms of "hooah" almost always imply that a person or thing is more "soldierly". In such vein, a "hooah" person is one who, for the most part, lacks creative impulse and is extremely eager to do anything, especially those things that make little or no sense. Again, an example. If one is assigned the task to move ten thousand stones from one quarry to the next and back again, the "hooah" soldier is not the one who anticipated the second command and didn't do anything. This soldier will be punished. Nor is he "hooah" that moves the rocks. Instead, the "hooah" soldier has, immediately following the order, retreated to an office to conduct risk assessment, coordinate cool beverages, medical relief teams, and The Army Band for task-completion.

We have seen some persuasive argument for the versatility of the word, "hooah". Until now, we have only borne witness to the variable grammatical forms available. There is more, however. Although not tonal in nature, none will deny that the English language carries with it implied innuendo delivered by variations in pitch, octave, and scale. This is true for all usages of "hooah", but none so vividly as in the case of response-to-challenge. To ease understanding in this portion of analysis, special characters will be employed before the word to modify the inflection. The following are the conventions that will be used:

The character "/" will indicate an accent "eguile", or a rising tone, as in the word "really?"A backslash, or "\" will indicate an accent "grave", a falling tone, as in the word "oh" when used as response to the statement, "I have left you for a Hungarian muscle-builder named Sven"Finally, a "-" will simply indicate a non-tonal usage, or neutral tone. For an example of this, one need simply listen to anything ever said by Carl Sagan.

In the case of "/hooah", it is absolutely always followed by "hooah", with no exception. It can be used as "did you hear me", or "I just said something of little or no significance and want kudos", or even "I haven't the intellect to manage even the most fundamental motor skills, let alone construct something that may resemble, even remotely, a legitimate sentence, but have discovered this marvelous word that makes everything okay; please recognize my pledge to idiocy with your own". In each manner, the respondent chooses, from an arsenal of responses, the appropriate form of "\hooah" or "-hooah". Among some of the more common are,

1) "\hooah" - I recognize what you say and want to get on with my life2) "\HOOAH!!!" - I have just matriculated from basic training and consider myself a mindless conscript and agree with everything you say -OR- I think you're an idiot, and I choose to pander to your foolishness with my own- mocking- version of what you call "soldiering".3) "-hooah" - please accept this word I usher to you with no passion as one that I would rather spit at you, because it is my fair warning to you that I hate you, The Army, your uniform, everyone in charge of both of us, and I hope the whole thing falls apart around us all so I can laugh at the stupid folley we have surrendered our lives to -OR- I have been stop-lossed, and this is my second time in Iraq.

Today, we have learned about the various uses of "hooah". While exploring the myriad applications, we first encountered how it can be used as a predicate in the nominative case, but were left with a feeling that there was far more depth to the abstract. Our justified fears were alleviated when we discovered all the implied meanings inherent in "hooah" as an interrogative pronoun. Also analysed was the adjective forms of the word, that served only to further breach the gap between connotation to denotation. Finally, we looked into the response-to-challenge, and the tonal nature of the word. It should be apparent to the reader now that "hooah" is certainly not a verb, but that it does have dramatic versatility. There may be no end to the meanings implicit in the word and, perhaps one day, it will become a verb. For now, though, we will merely have to wait and wonder what the future holds for "hooah".

For copies of this (or any) Team Crusader original special editions, enclose some toothpaste, deodorant and hand sanitizer and mail to:Team Crusader (or recipient), then pick a combination of letters and numbers. Affix superfluous postage and hope for the best.