Black Hole

I ate too much today. I was thinking of all the poor, starving kids in L.A., and it made me hungry. In the end, it's for the better. As taxpayers, you're dishing out a small fortune each time I sit and scarf down a meal. The Army gets charged on a per-meal basis, which means if I just pop in, grab a cereal and jet, they still have to shell out for a full meal. When I eat too much, it's just because I want you to get your money's worth! Do you want to know where else your money goes in Iraq?

Sure, you need to buy ammunition and pay for fuel and all that jazz. What's odd, though, is I have fired infinitely fewer bullets than I would were we back home (we don't do firing ranges here). And fuel? I spent until May without a truck, and I know I'm not the only one in the Army who still knows how to walk. So, where is your money really going?

Alright, I admit I'm getting an extra few hundred bucks a month out here. It's no secret, though, that the Army almost halved "hostile fire pay" (compensation for living in dangerous places like Iraq, Afghanistan, or L.A.). All-in-all, I make about six hundred dollars extra per month. Wow. Thanks, America. But, wait... so, if the money isn't going for ammunition, fuel, and soldiers, where does the one billion dollars a week end up?

A visit to the Green Zone in Baghdad shed some light on my questions. Just about every other person there is a civilian contractor, and I guarantee each one draws a six-digit paycheck. Some, even more. There is a civilian who is a gym director here. What is that? Are you serious? A GYM DIRECTOR. Thank you, America, for sending a gym director to make life better for me while I'm stop-lossed and forced to remain in the Army against my will. A gym director who gets paid nearly a hundred thousand dollars a year (while I make less than half that) is exactly what I needed.

So, the huge "shadow army" of civilian contractors is surely a drain on the coffers, but gym directors alone can't account for a billion dollars a week. What else? Well, the life of a soldier is a rugged and spartan one... unless you're American. If you're the American Army, you import laborers from poor, third-world countries and have them cook your food, wash your clothes, and clean your toilets. Yes, your taxes are going towards another "shadow army" of third-country nationals who clean the commodes for wages that would make you sick to even comprehend. Meanwhile, their American overlord masters hide from the heat in their nearby brand-new Ford F350 trucks (thanks to - you guessed it: you!). With the airconditioner blasting, they chill out as they rake in a salary five hundred times that of their workers. We invaded Iraq to... what, enslave the Bangladeshis?

Oh. Guess you won't read about that on Fox News. "Fair and balanced" means non-stop coverage of a missing girl in Aruba. Meanwhile, elections were held in Iran, five Marines were killed in Iraq, our Secretary of State is conducting historic meetings in Gaza & Jerusalem, BUT WAIT... there's a girl missing from Aruba! Stop the press!

What's it all really for, then? I'm convinced it's some kind of sick social experiment. On every base in Iraq, the caste system is thriving. Contractors make so much more money than us, I am scared to look at them in the eye. The imported laborers are forbidden from using our telephones and internet, and are estranged to far-away living quarters. Meanwhile, the only thing we do as soldiers is drive around and get blown up. It's quite an arrangement.

In the end, the only thing left is the amazingly immense and complicated logistical system that spans the country, interlocking civilian and military truck routes with air-lifts, supply convoys, and storage facilities. Each link is integral to the daunting task of feeding an army of armies. But Our Country doesn't need the billions that pay for all that. It doesn't need the billions that pay for our plasma screen televisions, our computers, satellite internet, catering, laundry services, or landscaping technicians. Our Country doesn't need any of that money, because there's simply too much of it. If it did need the money, we certainly wouldn't be cutting taxes. Again.